Obsession

Okay, I am completely obsessed. Obsessed with getting a cat. I've wanted one for a while now, but my hope was squashed when I moved into this apartment because it would be too expensive. I miss the kittens back at my parents', and I snuggle with the four of them every time I'm there. I would ideally bring up my little guy, Dickinson, but he's not neutered and he's mostly an outdoor cat. I don't think he would adjust well to apartment living--despite the fact that I think he would be thrilled to finally be the alpha male.

For over a year now, I've been having anxiety. It started the summer before my senior year when I was preparing to live by myself for the first time. Though, it wasn't the living alone that was making me nervous, it was the imposing on my cousin and her family for the two weeks when I was homeless. I just felt very not like myself because I wasn't used to my surroundings, and I wanted to make my stay as easy as possible on my cousin. Well, it turned out to be a nice stay in which I got to know Melissa and the kids better (not to mention the dogs), and the anxiety went away after the first few weeks of school. Then I would get it somewhat when I had to write an essay. Writing essays is not my favorite passtime, so it always takes a certain mood to get me into the act. Understandable. The anxiety wasn't that bad--I'd always be able to calm down after an hour or two and get to work. Now, not that life is that different from last year, but the anxiety attacks are getting progressively worse. It's to the point now that I just can't do anything. Shortness of breath. Tingly hands. Fleeting memory. Constant hunger. Want to cry. Want to sleep. Can't concentrate on anything. I can't live with this--especially in my position in graduate school. I need to feel good and healthy and sane. So, I'm taking action, and I'm going to see a counselor at the end of the month. I've been needing to do that for a long time because I have a lot of self-esteem, confidence, and general issues that I would benefit from talking to a professional about. Truth is, I don't really have someone I can talk to about everything. I can't talk to Jedsen about Jedsen. Knowing that there's someone I can talk to that won't judge me and doesn't have any allegiances will be good. I also think keeping a journal/blog--something I did for 11 years and then lost time and energy for in the last 2 years--will help me get my thoughts on the page.

Anyway, so last week I came back to the idea of a cat. Pets can help your health. Having someone who is always anxious for me to come home and snuggle would calm me, I think. I can tell that it will be good because I'm obsessing over it. I went out and bought a litter pan, cat ped, scratching post, and food/water bowls today. I'm all ready. Thing is, Jedsen and I went to PetSmart in Topeka on Friday to look at the cats up for adoption. He found Gizmo, a Siamese kitten, and fell in love. He was a beautiful boy, but I have to get a cat over a year old, as stipulated by my apartment management. At the other end of the row was Snickers, a 2 year old Tabby. She got up and rubbed on my finger then licked me. She was really quiet and gentle--really just wanted to either be lightly scratched or go back to her cat bed. She has these gorgeous gold eyes. Anyway, I kind of fell in love. Ever since then, I've been set on her. Of course, she's in Topeka, and someone may get to her before I do. I've been on Petfinder.com so many times over the last four days that it's kind of sad. I hope to get her this week sometime--preferably Wednesday or Thursday night or even Friday afternoon. I want to make sure I can be home with her for a good length of time right after I bring her home. I mean, she'll have to get used to me being gone most of the day, but I want her to get used to her new home. I understand that a cat will be expensive--I've thought about it all again and again--but I keep coming back to the fact that a cat will make me feel better, and I think it's worth it. I'll find a way to make things work on the weekends and when I go to Hutch or any time I can't be home for a while. It will work.

My mom said today that she thinks I want something to nurture. Maybe partially. My friends are having babies. I don't want a baby right now, but I am jealous of that love and bond. I just want a companion. I want a friend in the morning and in the evening. Don't get me wrong--a cat won't replace Jedsen or any human, but it will be something.

And now, when I should be doing homework like I should have been doing all day and weekend, I'm sitting here writing about a cat. Basically, this isn't going to end until there's a little ball of fur curled up on the couch behind me.

Listening to: Starsailor