Feeling

I've found that I get so excited to write that it's hard to do the actual writing. I'm planning out my thesis, and there's all this pressure. I actually have to write it all. It all has to come out of me. And this anxiety doesn't help. In fact, it's quite hindering. Still trying to find my antidote for anxiety. My chest just closes, and the tingles rise from my chest to my head. It's hard for anything to get through there. It makes me tired and dread doing things that include thinking. Which includes writing and grading, both which I must do tonight.

So I try and distract myself by watching NCAA basketball. It's not working. But at least KU won. I'm rooting for all Big 12 teams. I always feel bad for the losing team. I always want to hug them. Which is weird.

I tried to take a bath to calm down. I tried. My bathtub slowly drains the water. The hot water only lasts for the first three inches. It's not really a bath. Here, it's sitting in a few inches of lukewarm water for about five minutes. I should stop trying.

I'm getting into shape. I'm losing this fat. I don't weigh that much more than I used to, but I feel so different. It's all around my midsection and thighs and bum. I'm too tired to be out of shape. I bought new Nikes, lovely Nikes, last night at Sports Authority. And Jedsen got some real tennis shoes. Then we played tennis. You should shop at Sports Authority. They are the nicest people. Great people in Chicago and Overland Park. Great deals. Great shoes. Shoes rub my heels. These new ones are slightly rubbing my left heel, but there has yet to be breakage of skin. Hopefully there won't be. I haven't had a non-heel-bleeding pair of shoes since my favorite Reeboks in middle school.

Oh, this doesn't feel good.

Win

I'm sure you've heard all about the Jayhawks this week. Damn, what at time to be at KU!

Now, I've never experienced the KU basketball frenzy in person. I grew up a KU fan. I even secretly cheered for KU while I was at K-State (shhh). But nothing prepared me for the night KU beat UNC in the Final Four. Yes, Roy Williams was the legendary coach at KU for fifteen years before he up and left for North Carolina. Yes, KU fans have held a grudge against him ever since. And for KU, the current team under Bill Self, to beat Roy's team? Well, that was some payback, some sweet redemption for these Jayhawk fans. Personally, I have no grudge against Roy Williams. I remember being utterly disappointed when he left KU, but, come on, it's his life and his career, and it wasn't like KU basketball would go under under some other coach (nor did it.)

I watched the KU - UNC game from home, reading Dr. Atkins's new book during timeouts and halftime. It was quite exciting, of course, when we won. But then I heard screaming outside. Within the first minute after the game was over, people all around the apartment complex and neighborhood were outside screaming. I had no idea what was going on, but then there was a constant roar coming from Mass St. I watched from my patio as people streamed from their homes and flocked toward Mass. Constant cars honking. Constant whoops. After about twenty minutes of me on the phone with Jedsen, trying to relate the craziness, I decided to don my sneakers and partake. I jogged down to 9th street, a block north, and joined the processional. People were hanging out of their cars, headed toward Mass. Flags were flying. High fives between strangers. Rock Chalk chants broke out. Everyone was a friend. Everyone was celebrating. It was overwhelming and inutterably exciting. It kept up--all the screaming, honking, chanting, high fives, all the way to the mass at 9th and Mass. Really, you had to be there. I heard later that there were 20,000 people down Mass St. I was there for maybe 15 minutes, just taking it all in. I thought that may be the only time I'd ever get to take part in such a celebration.

Until Monday.