My, oh my.
I'm completely overwhelmed by everything right now. School, that is. I am right now working on a presentation and two small papers on Randall Jarrell for tomorrow's poetry class. I making my way through it, but I'd rather be sleeping. But then there are the two giant papers that are due at the beginning of December, and I can't even figure out what I'm going to write them on. I'm lost. I'm confused. I'm overwhelmed. I'm never taking two literature classes in the same semester again. Two workshops? Sure. But I dread forty pages of literary research/analysis.
In addition to that, I am not allowed to enroll for the spring semester until a hold is taken off my account. They need my final transcript from KSU. Okay, fine. Got a letter from KSU today saying there's a hold on my account there because of something at the health center. What the heck?! So, now I have more stuff to deal with tomorrow so that I can hopefully enroll by Friday...but that means more money out of my pocket. Damn them. I wish I had known all of this sooner. Before I tried to enroll and couldn't. And now I'm not going to get into the classes that I want and need. It's crap.
The past week and a half has been...down. I haven't felt well, especially in the morning. It doesn't matter how much or how little I sleep--I get a headache or feel dizzy. I need a break. I started counseling and am going again on Friday. I hope it helps me. I need to feel better.
Jedsen completely surprised me tonight when I got home from class. He asked if I had gotten what he had left on the porch for me. Totally confused, I open the door...and there he is with a big plate of jack o'lantern sugar cookies! Adorable. So sweet. I needed him. And there he was. I think this is the first Halloween we've seen each other--even if it was only for two hours and even if we didn't do anything relating to Halloween other than eat cookies. I miss him. But I love this living 30 minutes from each other. It makes a short trip more feasible and worth it.
Oh, Happy Halloween!
I'm going back to my presentation now. It never ends. The the.
Wednesday, October 31, 2007
Sunday, October 21, 2007
Anchor
So much depends upon being content.
I got Snickers the adorable two year old kitten last Saturday! It was a little strange for several days for me. Not for Snickers, though. She made this her home almost immediately. I have had to get used to having someone to think about taking care of; I can't just run off for the night somewhere now without making sure she'll have enough food and water first. But now I love looking over and seeing her sprawled out on the couch sleeping. And I love it when she pounces on my feet under the covers, thinking that they're prey. I wish the smell didn't come along with her, but I'm doing what I can to keep that under control. I have a companion now, and I think it does make me feel a little better.
I managed to write a six-page paper in a day last week, which, strangely, made me happy, considering I spent 17 hours on the last six-page paper I wrote (due to anxiety). I talk to a counselor for the first time this week, and hopefully that will help me, too. I've been needing to go to counseling for some time now, and I'm finally taking the step to do it. Good for me.
Jedsen and I are spending the weekend apart again due to homework and GRE-studying. Bummer, but that's the way it's going to be until all of these projects we have going are done. I have two twenty-page papers to write in the next month and a bunch of poems to write/revise, as well. Grad school is not kind when it comes to down time.
Yesterday I got to have breakfast with Brooksie, my roommate when I moved to Manhattan, and it was wonderful. We haven't talked much since she moved back to Wichita in the summer of 2006, so we had a lot to catch up on. She's a great person and was a great roommate, but I didn't take advantage of her when we were living together. I've never been very close to girls--my best friendships haven't had the typical closeness you think of when you think BFF. So, I really didn't know how to be a fun roommate and friend. I spent a lot of time in my room doing homework when I was home and not a lot of time hanging out with her. Then, I was always with Jedsen on the weekends when I did have some time to do something fun. Thus, we parted ways that July barely more friends than we had been when we moved in together. I regret that. I had the opportunity to make a life-long, good friend, and I blew it. Nevertheless, we'll always have that connection of living together for our Junior year at KSU.
I'm headed to a reading downtown by my MFA-mates, then it's back to reading and homework. And snuggling with Snickers.
Wednesday, October 10, 2007
Octopus's Garden
Well, I'm on "Fall Break." Though, the only break about it for me is that I don't have poetry writing tomorrow afternoon. Of course, my favorite class is the one abandoned. I still have to work and write a semiotics paper for Monday. Semiotics is so confusing. Yet so fascinating. How do I write a paper using semiotics to examine a poem? Hopefully the next few days will tell me. The poem at the end is the one I chose to write about. Think about it.
Today I started getting pre-cat nerves. How is it going to be? Will the cat leave messes? Will she be happy? I'm still set on it, though. Everyone I've told has just been so encouraging about the health and general life benefits of having a pet. I'm sold. I'm going to call PetSmart tomorrow and see if Snickers is still there. If she is, I'll go over there tomorrow or Friday afternoon to get her. It's like bringing home a baby! (only not really)
I was just looking up graduate schools with MFA programs in creative writing for Jedsen. Didn't I just do that for myself? Yep. One year ago I was doing this. Only I made mistakes. I'm trying to guide Jedsen away from mistakes. It sucks that he's not even considering KU. I don't want him to go somewhere just because I'm there, but I want him to give it a chance. If he hates Lawrence (like he does), then he could just commute from Topeka. No, he says. So, he may be going to Colorado or Iowa or Nebraska or Arkansas or anywhere. Well, at least we will have had one year living "close" to each other before it gets even more long-distance than ever before, right? That's the nature of our relationship. Who knows if we'll ever live in the same city. Let me tell you, we've been doing long-distance for nearly three years now. We actually got closer when we moved farther apart because we were forced to communicate all the time. Weekends work for us because we're so busy during the week, but that's not the life I want forever. It would be nice to experience having a boyfriend who lived across town and not down a stretch of I-70.
It's finally feeling like fall here in Kansas, and that makes me happy. I'm tired of sweating all the way up Mount Oread every day. However, it's a little distressing, seeing as I have a very small cool-weather wardrobe. Not that it's ever been more, but every year it seems to be a little more pathetic. Please, please, please help me, "What Not to Wear!" Yes, it's my dream to have them tell me what will look good on this 5' frame. And what hairstyle will work best on my head (since I've never found it on my own). And what make-up suits me (since I'm kind of stuck). It would help if I were in shape. Then I would feel better in my clothes. Just go to the gym, Kari. Just go. I know how good it feels to work out, but it's the going there that's hard. I need to check out KU's fancy, big rec center, and I need to use what I'm paying for with my student fees.
----------------------
Protocols
(Birkenau, Odessa; the children speak alternately)
We went there on the train. They had big barges that they towed.
We stood up, there were so many I was squashed.
There was a smoke-stack, then they made me wash.
It was a factory, I think. My mother held me up
And I could see the ship that made the smoke.
When I was tired my mother carried me.
She said, "Don't be afraid." But I was only tired.
Where we went there is no more Odessa.
They had water in a pipe--like rain, but hot;
The water there is deeper than the world.
And I was tired and fell in in my sleep
And the water drank me. That is what I think.
And I said to my mother, "Now I'm washed and dried,"
My mother hugged me and it smelled like hay
And that is how you die. And that is how you die.
--Randall Jarrell
Today I started getting pre-cat nerves. How is it going to be? Will the cat leave messes? Will she be happy? I'm still set on it, though. Everyone I've told has just been so encouraging about the health and general life benefits of having a pet. I'm sold. I'm going to call PetSmart tomorrow and see if Snickers is still there. If she is, I'll go over there tomorrow or Friday afternoon to get her. It's like bringing home a baby! (only not really)
I was just looking up graduate schools with MFA programs in creative writing for Jedsen. Didn't I just do that for myself? Yep. One year ago I was doing this. Only I made mistakes. I'm trying to guide Jedsen away from mistakes. It sucks that he's not even considering KU. I don't want him to go somewhere just because I'm there, but I want him to give it a chance. If he hates Lawrence (like he does), then he could just commute from Topeka. No, he says. So, he may be going to Colorado or Iowa or Nebraska or Arkansas or anywhere. Well, at least we will have had one year living "close" to each other before it gets even more long-distance than ever before, right? That's the nature of our relationship. Who knows if we'll ever live in the same city. Let me tell you, we've been doing long-distance for nearly three years now. We actually got closer when we moved farther apart because we were forced to communicate all the time. Weekends work for us because we're so busy during the week, but that's not the life I want forever. It would be nice to experience having a boyfriend who lived across town and not down a stretch of I-70.
It's finally feeling like fall here in Kansas, and that makes me happy. I'm tired of sweating all the way up Mount Oread every day. However, it's a little distressing, seeing as I have a very small cool-weather wardrobe. Not that it's ever been more, but every year it seems to be a little more pathetic. Please, please, please help me, "What Not to Wear!" Yes, it's my dream to have them tell me what will look good on this 5' frame. And what hairstyle will work best on my head (since I've never found it on my own). And what make-up suits me (since I'm kind of stuck). It would help if I were in shape. Then I would feel better in my clothes. Just go to the gym, Kari. Just go. I know how good it feels to work out, but it's the going there that's hard. I need to check out KU's fancy, big rec center, and I need to use what I'm paying for with my student fees.
----------------------
Protocols
(Birkenau, Odessa; the children speak alternately)
We went there on the train. They had big barges that they towed.
We stood up, there were so many I was squashed.
There was a smoke-stack, then they made me wash.
It was a factory, I think. My mother held me up
And I could see the ship that made the smoke.
When I was tired my mother carried me.
She said, "Don't be afraid." But I was only tired.
Where we went there is no more Odessa.
They had water in a pipe--like rain, but hot;
The water there is deeper than the world.
And I was tired and fell in in my sleep
And the water drank me. That is what I think.
And I said to my mother, "Now I'm washed and dried,"
My mother hugged me and it smelled like hay
And that is how you die. And that is how you die.
--Randall Jarrell
Monday, October 08, 2007
Obsession
Okay, I am completely obsessed. Obsessed with getting a cat. I've wanted one for a while now, but my hope was squashed when I moved into this apartment because it would be too expensive. I miss the kittens back at my parents', and I snuggle with the four of them every time I'm there. I would ideally bring up my little guy, Dickinson, but he's not neutered and he's mostly an outdoor cat. I don't think he would adjust well to apartment living--despite the fact that I think he would be thrilled to finally be the alpha male.
For over a year now, I've been having anxiety. It started the summer before my senior year when I was preparing to live by myself for the first time. Though, it wasn't the living alone that was making me nervous, it was the imposing on my cousin and her family for the two weeks when I was homeless. I just felt very not like myself because I wasn't used to my surroundings, and I wanted to make my stay as easy as possible on my cousin. Well, it turned out to be a nice stay in which I got to know Melissa and the kids better (not to mention the dogs), and the anxiety went away after the first few weeks of school. Then I would get it somewhat when I had to write an essay. Writing essays is not my favorite passtime, so it always takes a certain mood to get me into the act. Understandable. The anxiety wasn't that bad--I'd always be able to calm down after an hour or two and get to work. Now, not that life is that different from last year, but the anxiety attacks are getting progressively worse. It's to the point now that I just can't do anything. Shortness of breath. Tingly hands. Fleeting memory. Constant hunger. Want to cry. Want to sleep. Can't concentrate on anything. I can't live with this--especially in my position in graduate school. I need to feel good and healthy and sane. So, I'm taking action, and I'm going to see a counselor at the end of the month. I've been needing to do that for a long time because I have a lot of self-esteem, confidence, and general issues that I would benefit from talking to a professional about. Truth is, I don't really have someone I can talk to about everything. I can't talk to Jedsen about Jedsen. Knowing that there's someone I can talk to that won't judge me and doesn't have any allegiances will be good. I also think keeping a journal/blog--something I did for 11 years and then lost time and energy for in the last 2 years--will help me get my thoughts on the page.
Anyway, so last week I came back to the idea of a cat. Pets can help your health. Having someone who is always anxious for me to come home and snuggle would calm me, I think. I can tell that it will be good because I'm obsessing over it. I went out and bought a litter pan, cat ped, scratching post, and food/water bowls today. I'm all ready. Thing is, Jedsen and I went to PetSmart in Topeka on Friday to look at the cats up for adoption. He found Gizmo, a Siamese kitten, and fell in love. He was a beautiful boy, but I have to get a cat over a year old, as stipulated by my apartment management. At the other end of the row was Snickers, a 2 year old Tabby. She got up and rubbed on my finger then licked me. She was really quiet and gentle--really just wanted to either be lightly scratched or go back to her cat bed. She has these gorgeous gold eyes. Anyway, I kind of fell in love. Ever since then, I've been set on her. Of course, she's in Topeka, and someone may get to her before I do. I've been on Petfinder.com so many times over the last four days that it's kind of sad. I hope to get her this week sometime--preferably Wednesday or Thursday night or even Friday afternoon. I want to make sure I can be home with her for a good length of time right after I bring her home. I mean, she'll have to get used to me being gone most of the day, but I want her to get used to her new home. I understand that a cat will be expensive--I've thought about it all again and again--but I keep coming back to the fact that a cat will make me feel better, and I think it's worth it. I'll find a way to make things work on the weekends and when I go to Hutch or any time I can't be home for a while. It will work.
My mom said today that she thinks I want something to nurture. Maybe partially. My friends are having babies. I don't want a baby right now, but I am jealous of that love and bond. I just want a companion. I want a friend in the morning and in the evening. Don't get me wrong--a cat won't replace Jedsen or any human, but it will be something.
And now, when I should be doing homework like I should have been doing all day and weekend, I'm sitting here writing about a cat. Basically, this isn't going to end until there's a little ball of fur curled up on the couch behind me.
Listening to: Starsailor
For over a year now, I've been having anxiety. It started the summer before my senior year when I was preparing to live by myself for the first time. Though, it wasn't the living alone that was making me nervous, it was the imposing on my cousin and her family for the two weeks when I was homeless. I just felt very not like myself because I wasn't used to my surroundings, and I wanted to make my stay as easy as possible on my cousin. Well, it turned out to be a nice stay in which I got to know Melissa and the kids better (not to mention the dogs), and the anxiety went away after the first few weeks of school. Then I would get it somewhat when I had to write an essay. Writing essays is not my favorite passtime, so it always takes a certain mood to get me into the act. Understandable. The anxiety wasn't that bad--I'd always be able to calm down after an hour or two and get to work. Now, not that life is that different from last year, but the anxiety attacks are getting progressively worse. It's to the point now that I just can't do anything. Shortness of breath. Tingly hands. Fleeting memory. Constant hunger. Want to cry. Want to sleep. Can't concentrate on anything. I can't live with this--especially in my position in graduate school. I need to feel good and healthy and sane. So, I'm taking action, and I'm going to see a counselor at the end of the month. I've been needing to do that for a long time because I have a lot of self-esteem, confidence, and general issues that I would benefit from talking to a professional about. Truth is, I don't really have someone I can talk to about everything. I can't talk to Jedsen about Jedsen. Knowing that there's someone I can talk to that won't judge me and doesn't have any allegiances will be good. I also think keeping a journal/blog--something I did for 11 years and then lost time and energy for in the last 2 years--will help me get my thoughts on the page.
Anyway, so last week I came back to the idea of a cat. Pets can help your health. Having someone who is always anxious for me to come home and snuggle would calm me, I think. I can tell that it will be good because I'm obsessing over it. I went out and bought a litter pan, cat ped, scratching post, and food/water bowls today. I'm all ready. Thing is, Jedsen and I went to PetSmart in Topeka on Friday to look at the cats up for adoption. He found Gizmo, a Siamese kitten, and fell in love. He was a beautiful boy, but I have to get a cat over a year old, as stipulated by my apartment management. At the other end of the row was Snickers, a 2 year old Tabby. She got up and rubbed on my finger then licked me. She was really quiet and gentle--really just wanted to either be lightly scratched or go back to her cat bed. She has these gorgeous gold eyes. Anyway, I kind of fell in love. Ever since then, I've been set on her. Of course, she's in Topeka, and someone may get to her before I do. I've been on Petfinder.com so many times over the last four days that it's kind of sad. I hope to get her this week sometime--preferably Wednesday or Thursday night or even Friday afternoon. I want to make sure I can be home with her for a good length of time right after I bring her home. I mean, she'll have to get used to me being gone most of the day, but I want her to get used to her new home. I understand that a cat will be expensive--I've thought about it all again and again--but I keep coming back to the fact that a cat will make me feel better, and I think it's worth it. I'll find a way to make things work on the weekends and when I go to Hutch or any time I can't be home for a while. It will work.
My mom said today that she thinks I want something to nurture. Maybe partially. My friends are having babies. I don't want a baby right now, but I am jealous of that love and bond. I just want a companion. I want a friend in the morning and in the evening. Don't get me wrong--a cat won't replace Jedsen or any human, but it will be something.
And now, when I should be doing homework like I should have been doing all day and weekend, I'm sitting here writing about a cat. Basically, this isn't going to end until there's a little ball of fur curled up on the couch behind me.
Listening to: Starsailor
Grandpa
Remember how you swung
my hand through the mall on Monday afternoons
and bought me corndogs from the A&W?
You plopped me in that wiry white chair and watched
me kick blinking sneakers into the bottom
of the table, ramming a mustardy dog into my nose.
You laughed, told everyone I was yours,
your granddaughter. Your trouble.
I watched, amused, when you flirted
with teenage waitresses, complimenting
their crimped hair and delicate hands.
You’re trouble.
You. You couldn’t let a neighbor’s yard grow
higher than yours, couldn’t keep your house
colder than eighty in the winter, couldn’t let anyone
drive your ninety-two-year-old bones
anywhere except to the hospital in the ambulance
when you couldn’t breathe and your body soaked
your shirt through.
But you sat propped in the emergency room
with oxygen and wires on your chest, heaves
between hiccups, and kept repeating that you had twins
and a granddaughter in college and can’t
you have some socks for your cold, calico feet.
When you died, I wrote a poem because
your son packed your army medals in a box.
Because the snow stopped. Because Grandma
can’t drive, the kittens were mewing for their milk,
and who’s going to rake the street gutter
after a storm? Because I last saw you flirting
with your nurse.
--Kari Jackson, 2007
my hand through the mall on Monday afternoons
and bought me corndogs from the A&W?
You plopped me in that wiry white chair and watched
me kick blinking sneakers into the bottom
of the table, ramming a mustardy dog into my nose.
You laughed, told everyone I was yours,
your granddaughter. Your trouble.
I watched, amused, when you flirted
with teenage waitresses, complimenting
their crimped hair and delicate hands.
You’re trouble.
You. You couldn’t let a neighbor’s yard grow
higher than yours, couldn’t keep your house
colder than eighty in the winter, couldn’t let anyone
drive your ninety-two-year-old bones
anywhere except to the hospital in the ambulance
when you couldn’t breathe and your body soaked
your shirt through.
But you sat propped in the emergency room
with oxygen and wires on your chest, heaves
between hiccups, and kept repeating that you had twins
and a granddaughter in college and can’t
you have some socks for your cold, calico feet.
When you died, I wrote a poem because
your son packed your army medals in a box.
Because the snow stopped. Because Grandma
can’t drive, the kittens were mewing for their milk,
and who’s going to rake the street gutter
after a storm? Because I last saw you flirting
with your nurse.
--Kari Jackson, 2007
Life in Lawrence
Now that I've been in Lawrence for two months, I thought I would update everyone on my life.
I am still working at The Dusty Bookshelf...only in Lawrence now. I started out working the register (something I hadn't done since Alco!), but after nearly a month and a half, everything got set up so I could go back to my job of listing books online. Now I sit in a little room in the back (that used to be a bathroom) at a computer and look through books. I do miss the Manhattan store because there was always so much going on (and I had more responsibility), but I am having a lot of fun here. I work 9-1 Monday through Friday, and since I'm the first one there I get to feed our lovely bookstore cat, Alice, every morning. I love being greeted with love and warmth (and of course persistent meowing for the sake of hunger)! Shannon, the manager, works the front during that time, and we have a lot of laughs.
Well, the reason I moved to Lawrence, of course, was for graduate school at KU. It was scary at first because I had heard about all of the differences between KU and K-State. Plus, I felt nervous about entering the MFA program because I thought everyone would be so much more experienced than me. But, from my first class (Poetry Writing III), I fell in love. I didn’t feel out of place at all on campus or in my class. I felt the same about my two other classes, American Poetry of the 20th Century and Studies in Semiotics, though I don’t love them like I love my Poetry class. American Poetry is allowing me to read poets I have not had the opportunity to read before, such as Gertrude Stein and Amy Lowell, as well as William Carlos Williams, whom I have admired from reading selections in former classes but never to this extent. Semiotics is very interesting but very confusing. For those of you who have never heard of semiotics before (like me before this class), it is the study of how meaning is created. It’s invading my mind. It seems like I can find a connection to some semiotic theory in every poet I read. Fascinating stuff.
I walk to and from class every day from my apartment, which is just a block north of campus. It takes me fifteen to twenty minutes to walk past the stadium, the pond, up the grassy hill, past the bell tower, and up to Wescoe Hall…I love it. It’s gorgeous at night. Standing at the bell tower, overlooking the stadium and north Lawrence, it makes me realize just how much I love being where I am right now. Watson Library, too, has a view of south Lawrence and everything beyond. From the fourth floor where I spend quite a bit of time, I can see out and over to the little towns on the horizon, with their single water towers like golf tees. It’s made me appreciate Kansas more. It really is a beautiful state—especially when you have a Mount Oread view.
On my walk between home and campus, I have encountered more wildlife than I ever have before in my life. One night while I was walking home from my night class at ten o’clock, a fox crossed my path on the stadium parking lot. He sat and watched me until I passed, and then he got up and followed alongside me (fifty feet away). It was amazing…but scary. I was completely alone. And despite the fact that I had pepper spray ready in my hand just in case, I didn’t want to take any chances with him getting any closer, so I went around in another direction where he couldn’t see me. It’s been two weeks now, and I haven’t seem him again…part of me really wants to…though I still don’t know how domesticated this campus-dwelling fox would be. So, that’s pretty exotic for the middle of a city, right? Well, that wasn’t enough, it seems. I was climbing some stone steps up a little hill behind the apartment complex last week. I skipped one of the steps because it was uneven and jumped up to the top step. Partially looking down, I noticed something move right by my foot when I landed. SNAKE!! I ran about ten feet then suddenly panicked, thinking I had actually carried the snake on my foot with me when I leapt. But, thank goodness, that was not the case. I looked back, and it was slithering over the top step and underneath the sidewalk. Okay, this snake touched my sandal. It went past me—not away from me. I could have stepped on it had I landed slightly more to the left! Holy cow. It freaked me out.
Something less wild but equally exciting…I am now a poetry reader for the school’s literary journal, Cottonwood. I get to read submissions from people all over the country (and some outside) and give their poems a yea or nay. I’ve only just begun, but this is my entry-level position for what I really want to do—edit. I originally wanted to be a copy editor, and that desire is still there, but I could easily see myself as a literary editor for a publisher or journal. Hopefully I can find myself an internship in the publishing field in the next few years.
As for home life, I love my apartment. I’m on the second floor, and I have a good-sized patio (which I desperately want a bistro set for). The living/dining room combination is small but cozy. There definitely isn’t room for anything more than what is here right now, though! My favorite room is probably my kitchen—not because I cook (I don’t have time) but because it has a little opening to the living room over the stove; it’s perfect for my height, ironically. And I have a window over my sink. (I’m pleased by simple things) I do miss all of the natural light of my last apartment, but I’m so glad to be ridded of that huge sliding glass front door. I have had a minor spider problem (as with everywhere I’ve lived), but I’ve learned I just have to kill them and be done with it. No beetles or water bugs this time, though!
I am now exactly thirty minutes from Jedsen via I-70—it’s so easy! Despite the closeness, we still don’t see each other any more than we ever have; our weeks are too busy. We got to make a little outing toward the end of August to his hometown of Carl Junction, Missouri. We walked around his neighborhood and schools and several of the places he worked at. It was a lovely, short trip. I’m glad to finally be able to visualize the places he mentions in his childhood stories. We talk on the phone every day, and lately we have been having long, deep conversations about poetic theory and the works of certain poets. We’re not nerdy. No, this is our craft. I like it.
I will be giving my first ever public poetry reading of entirely my own work on December 2nd in downtown Lawrence. I’m excited, but I had better have some good poems and/or stories prepared by then! I’ve never read into a microphone or for people outside of class. This is the big time now.
Okay, that’s about all there is for now. As you can see, my life revolves around school and work with a pinch of Jedsen on the weekends. And that’s how it’s going to be for the next three years of graduate school. This is where I want to be, and I’m so happy with the decision I made to take the chance and make the move to Lawrence.
I am still working at The Dusty Bookshelf...only in Lawrence now. I started out working the register (something I hadn't done since Alco!), but after nearly a month and a half, everything got set up so I could go back to my job of listing books online. Now I sit in a little room in the back (that used to be a bathroom) at a computer and look through books. I do miss the Manhattan store because there was always so much going on (and I had more responsibility), but I am having a lot of fun here. I work 9-1 Monday through Friday, and since I'm the first one there I get to feed our lovely bookstore cat, Alice, every morning. I love being greeted with love and warmth (and of course persistent meowing for the sake of hunger)! Shannon, the manager, works the front during that time, and we have a lot of laughs.
Well, the reason I moved to Lawrence, of course, was for graduate school at KU. It was scary at first because I had heard about all of the differences between KU and K-State. Plus, I felt nervous about entering the MFA program because I thought everyone would be so much more experienced than me. But, from my first class (Poetry Writing III), I fell in love. I didn’t feel out of place at all on campus or in my class. I felt the same about my two other classes, American Poetry of the 20th Century and Studies in Semiotics, though I don’t love them like I love my Poetry class. American Poetry is allowing me to read poets I have not had the opportunity to read before, such as Gertrude Stein and Amy Lowell, as well as William Carlos Williams, whom I have admired from reading selections in former classes but never to this extent. Semiotics is very interesting but very confusing. For those of you who have never heard of semiotics before (like me before this class), it is the study of how meaning is created. It’s invading my mind. It seems like I can find a connection to some semiotic theory in every poet I read. Fascinating stuff.
I walk to and from class every day from my apartment, which is just a block north of campus. It takes me fifteen to twenty minutes to walk past the stadium, the pond, up the grassy hill, past the bell tower, and up to Wescoe Hall…I love it. It’s gorgeous at night. Standing at the bell tower, overlooking the stadium and north Lawrence, it makes me realize just how much I love being where I am right now. Watson Library, too, has a view of south Lawrence and everything beyond. From the fourth floor where I spend quite a bit of time, I can see out and over to the little towns on the horizon, with their single water towers like golf tees. It’s made me appreciate Kansas more. It really is a beautiful state—especially when you have a Mount Oread view.
On my walk between home and campus, I have encountered more wildlife than I ever have before in my life. One night while I was walking home from my night class at ten o’clock, a fox crossed my path on the stadium parking lot. He sat and watched me until I passed, and then he got up and followed alongside me (fifty feet away). It was amazing…but scary. I was completely alone. And despite the fact that I had pepper spray ready in my hand just in case, I didn’t want to take any chances with him getting any closer, so I went around in another direction where he couldn’t see me. It’s been two weeks now, and I haven’t seem him again…part of me really wants to…though I still don’t know how domesticated this campus-dwelling fox would be. So, that’s pretty exotic for the middle of a city, right? Well, that wasn’t enough, it seems. I was climbing some stone steps up a little hill behind the apartment complex last week. I skipped one of the steps because it was uneven and jumped up to the top step. Partially looking down, I noticed something move right by my foot when I landed. SNAKE!! I ran about ten feet then suddenly panicked, thinking I had actually carried the snake on my foot with me when I leapt. But, thank goodness, that was not the case. I looked back, and it was slithering over the top step and underneath the sidewalk. Okay, this snake touched my sandal. It went past me—not away from me. I could have stepped on it had I landed slightly more to the left! Holy cow. It freaked me out.
Something less wild but equally exciting…I am now a poetry reader for the school’s literary journal, Cottonwood. I get to read submissions from people all over the country (and some outside) and give their poems a yea or nay. I’ve only just begun, but this is my entry-level position for what I really want to do—edit. I originally wanted to be a copy editor, and that desire is still there, but I could easily see myself as a literary editor for a publisher or journal. Hopefully I can find myself an internship in the publishing field in the next few years.
As for home life, I love my apartment. I’m on the second floor, and I have a good-sized patio (which I desperately want a bistro set for). The living/dining room combination is small but cozy. There definitely isn’t room for anything more than what is here right now, though! My favorite room is probably my kitchen—not because I cook (I don’t have time) but because it has a little opening to the living room over the stove; it’s perfect for my height, ironically. And I have a window over my sink. (I’m pleased by simple things) I do miss all of the natural light of my last apartment, but I’m so glad to be ridded of that huge sliding glass front door. I have had a minor spider problem (as with everywhere I’ve lived), but I’ve learned I just have to kill them and be done with it. No beetles or water bugs this time, though!
I am now exactly thirty minutes from Jedsen via I-70—it’s so easy! Despite the closeness, we still don’t see each other any more than we ever have; our weeks are too busy. We got to make a little outing toward the end of August to his hometown of Carl Junction, Missouri. We walked around his neighborhood and schools and several of the places he worked at. It was a lovely, short trip. I’m glad to finally be able to visualize the places he mentions in his childhood stories. We talk on the phone every day, and lately we have been having long, deep conversations about poetic theory and the works of certain poets. We’re not nerdy. No, this is our craft. I like it.
I will be giving my first ever public poetry reading of entirely my own work on December 2nd in downtown Lawrence. I’m excited, but I had better have some good poems and/or stories prepared by then! I’ve never read into a microphone or for people outside of class. This is the big time now.
Okay, that’s about all there is for now. As you can see, my life revolves around school and work with a pinch of Jedsen on the weekends. And that’s how it’s going to be for the next three years of graduate school. This is where I want to be, and I’m so happy with the decision I made to take the chance and make the move to Lawrence.
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