My, oh my.
I'm completely overwhelmed by everything right now. School, that is. I am right now working on a presentation and two small papers on Randall Jarrell for tomorrow's poetry class. I making my way through it, but I'd rather be sleeping. But then there are the two giant papers that are due at the beginning of December, and I can't even figure out what I'm going to write them on. I'm lost. I'm confused. I'm overwhelmed. I'm never taking two literature classes in the same semester again. Two workshops? Sure. But I dread forty pages of literary research/analysis.
In addition to that, I am not allowed to enroll for the spring semester until a hold is taken off my account. They need my final transcript from KSU. Okay, fine. Got a letter from KSU today saying there's a hold on my account there because of something at the health center. What the heck?! So, now I have more stuff to deal with tomorrow so that I can hopefully enroll by Friday...but that means more money out of my pocket. Damn them. I wish I had known all of this sooner. Before I tried to enroll and couldn't. And now I'm not going to get into the classes that I want and need. It's crap.
The past week and a half has been...down. I haven't felt well, especially in the morning. It doesn't matter how much or how little I sleep--I get a headache or feel dizzy. I need a break. I started counseling and am going again on Friday. I hope it helps me. I need to feel better.
Jedsen completely surprised me tonight when I got home from class. He asked if I had gotten what he had left on the porch for me. Totally confused, I open the door...and there he is with a big plate of jack o'lantern sugar cookies! Adorable. So sweet. I needed him. And there he was. I think this is the first Halloween we've seen each other--even if it was only for two hours and even if we didn't do anything relating to Halloween other than eat cookies. I miss him. But I love this living 30 minutes from each other. It makes a short trip more feasible and worth it.
Oh, Happy Halloween!
I'm going back to my presentation now. It never ends. The the.
Wednesday, October 31, 2007
Sunday, October 21, 2007
Anchor
So much depends upon being content.
I got Snickers the adorable two year old kitten last Saturday! It was a little strange for several days for me. Not for Snickers, though. She made this her home almost immediately. I have had to get used to having someone to think about taking care of; I can't just run off for the night somewhere now without making sure she'll have enough food and water first. But now I love looking over and seeing her sprawled out on the couch sleeping. And I love it when she pounces on my feet under the covers, thinking that they're prey. I wish the smell didn't come along with her, but I'm doing what I can to keep that under control. I have a companion now, and I think it does make me feel a little better.
I managed to write a six-page paper in a day last week, which, strangely, made me happy, considering I spent 17 hours on the last six-page paper I wrote (due to anxiety). I talk to a counselor for the first time this week, and hopefully that will help me, too. I've been needing to go to counseling for some time now, and I'm finally taking the step to do it. Good for me.
Jedsen and I are spending the weekend apart again due to homework and GRE-studying. Bummer, but that's the way it's going to be until all of these projects we have going are done. I have two twenty-page papers to write in the next month and a bunch of poems to write/revise, as well. Grad school is not kind when it comes to down time.
Yesterday I got to have breakfast with Brooksie, my roommate when I moved to Manhattan, and it was wonderful. We haven't talked much since she moved back to Wichita in the summer of 2006, so we had a lot to catch up on. She's a great person and was a great roommate, but I didn't take advantage of her when we were living together. I've never been very close to girls--my best friendships haven't had the typical closeness you think of when you think BFF. So, I really didn't know how to be a fun roommate and friend. I spent a lot of time in my room doing homework when I was home and not a lot of time hanging out with her. Then, I was always with Jedsen on the weekends when I did have some time to do something fun. Thus, we parted ways that July barely more friends than we had been when we moved in together. I regret that. I had the opportunity to make a life-long, good friend, and I blew it. Nevertheless, we'll always have that connection of living together for our Junior year at KSU.
I'm headed to a reading downtown by my MFA-mates, then it's back to reading and homework. And snuggling with Snickers.
Wednesday, October 10, 2007
Octopus's Garden
Well, I'm on "Fall Break." Though, the only break about it for me is that I don't have poetry writing tomorrow afternoon. Of course, my favorite class is the one abandoned. I still have to work and write a semiotics paper for Monday. Semiotics is so confusing. Yet so fascinating. How do I write a paper using semiotics to examine a poem? Hopefully the next few days will tell me. The poem at the end is the one I chose to write about. Think about it.
Today I started getting pre-cat nerves. How is it going to be? Will the cat leave messes? Will she be happy? I'm still set on it, though. Everyone I've told has just been so encouraging about the health and general life benefits of having a pet. I'm sold. I'm going to call PetSmart tomorrow and see if Snickers is still there. If she is, I'll go over there tomorrow or Friday afternoon to get her. It's like bringing home a baby! (only not really)
I was just looking up graduate schools with MFA programs in creative writing for Jedsen. Didn't I just do that for myself? Yep. One year ago I was doing this. Only I made mistakes. I'm trying to guide Jedsen away from mistakes. It sucks that he's not even considering KU. I don't want him to go somewhere just because I'm there, but I want him to give it a chance. If he hates Lawrence (like he does), then he could just commute from Topeka. No, he says. So, he may be going to Colorado or Iowa or Nebraska or Arkansas or anywhere. Well, at least we will have had one year living "close" to each other before it gets even more long-distance than ever before, right? That's the nature of our relationship. Who knows if we'll ever live in the same city. Let me tell you, we've been doing long-distance for nearly three years now. We actually got closer when we moved farther apart because we were forced to communicate all the time. Weekends work for us because we're so busy during the week, but that's not the life I want forever. It would be nice to experience having a boyfriend who lived across town and not down a stretch of I-70.
It's finally feeling like fall here in Kansas, and that makes me happy. I'm tired of sweating all the way up Mount Oread every day. However, it's a little distressing, seeing as I have a very small cool-weather wardrobe. Not that it's ever been more, but every year it seems to be a little more pathetic. Please, please, please help me, "What Not to Wear!" Yes, it's my dream to have them tell me what will look good on this 5' frame. And what hairstyle will work best on my head (since I've never found it on my own). And what make-up suits me (since I'm kind of stuck). It would help if I were in shape. Then I would feel better in my clothes. Just go to the gym, Kari. Just go. I know how good it feels to work out, but it's the going there that's hard. I need to check out KU's fancy, big rec center, and I need to use what I'm paying for with my student fees.
----------------------
Protocols
(Birkenau, Odessa; the children speak alternately)
We went there on the train. They had big barges that they towed.
We stood up, there were so many I was squashed.
There was a smoke-stack, then they made me wash.
It was a factory, I think. My mother held me up
And I could see the ship that made the smoke.
When I was tired my mother carried me.
She said, "Don't be afraid." But I was only tired.
Where we went there is no more Odessa.
They had water in a pipe--like rain, but hot;
The water there is deeper than the world.
And I was tired and fell in in my sleep
And the water drank me. That is what I think.
And I said to my mother, "Now I'm washed and dried,"
My mother hugged me and it smelled like hay
And that is how you die. And that is how you die.
--Randall Jarrell
Today I started getting pre-cat nerves. How is it going to be? Will the cat leave messes? Will she be happy? I'm still set on it, though. Everyone I've told has just been so encouraging about the health and general life benefits of having a pet. I'm sold. I'm going to call PetSmart tomorrow and see if Snickers is still there. If she is, I'll go over there tomorrow or Friday afternoon to get her. It's like bringing home a baby! (only not really)
I was just looking up graduate schools with MFA programs in creative writing for Jedsen. Didn't I just do that for myself? Yep. One year ago I was doing this. Only I made mistakes. I'm trying to guide Jedsen away from mistakes. It sucks that he's not even considering KU. I don't want him to go somewhere just because I'm there, but I want him to give it a chance. If he hates Lawrence (like he does), then he could just commute from Topeka. No, he says. So, he may be going to Colorado or Iowa or Nebraska or Arkansas or anywhere. Well, at least we will have had one year living "close" to each other before it gets even more long-distance than ever before, right? That's the nature of our relationship. Who knows if we'll ever live in the same city. Let me tell you, we've been doing long-distance for nearly three years now. We actually got closer when we moved farther apart because we were forced to communicate all the time. Weekends work for us because we're so busy during the week, but that's not the life I want forever. It would be nice to experience having a boyfriend who lived across town and not down a stretch of I-70.
It's finally feeling like fall here in Kansas, and that makes me happy. I'm tired of sweating all the way up Mount Oread every day. However, it's a little distressing, seeing as I have a very small cool-weather wardrobe. Not that it's ever been more, but every year it seems to be a little more pathetic. Please, please, please help me, "What Not to Wear!" Yes, it's my dream to have them tell me what will look good on this 5' frame. And what hairstyle will work best on my head (since I've never found it on my own). And what make-up suits me (since I'm kind of stuck). It would help if I were in shape. Then I would feel better in my clothes. Just go to the gym, Kari. Just go. I know how good it feels to work out, but it's the going there that's hard. I need to check out KU's fancy, big rec center, and I need to use what I'm paying for with my student fees.
----------------------
Protocols
(Birkenau, Odessa; the children speak alternately)
We went there on the train. They had big barges that they towed.
We stood up, there were so many I was squashed.
There was a smoke-stack, then they made me wash.
It was a factory, I think. My mother held me up
And I could see the ship that made the smoke.
When I was tired my mother carried me.
She said, "Don't be afraid." But I was only tired.
Where we went there is no more Odessa.
They had water in a pipe--like rain, but hot;
The water there is deeper than the world.
And I was tired and fell in in my sleep
And the water drank me. That is what I think.
And I said to my mother, "Now I'm washed and dried,"
My mother hugged me and it smelled like hay
And that is how you die. And that is how you die.
--Randall Jarrell
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