Warmer

I'm so glad that this has taken me so long, cause it's the journey that made me so strong.

"Warmer Climate," Snow Patrol. I've loved that song since I first heard it nine years ago. For the whole of it, for the atmosphere. But a few weeks ago I was surprised at myself when I choked while listening to/singing those last lines. I teared up. I heard it at the right time, really heard it, really felt it. It's true.

Open your heart to the thought that life is something you're not caught at.

I'm caught up in sentimentality right now. I'm also catching myself in moments of frustration and anger. Last week, week fifteen, was a rough one. There was nausea worse than I've had it, and headaches, anxiety, shame. I didn't have time for yoga. I fell asleep every night on the couch and then struggled to sleep when I went to bed after Phillip left for work.

But I might be feeling the baby, leaning forward on the couch. It's not fluttering but a rumbling. Not hunger but lower. It might be the little avocado. I'll know better in a few weeks.

Baby, you're the words and chapters, the sweetness in the morning after.

Every day we have Jack now he wants to listen to my tummy. I pull up my shirt and he presses his ear to me. "I hear it," he says, confident. He knows the baby will stay in there until she/he's big enough to be with us. He will be nearly five by then, a true big brother. Four will be joyful.