Breathe in Life

You can send your breath to your toes, to your spine, to your elbows. You draw awareness to your body, piece by piece, acknowledge it, soften, move on. You relax. When done, you breathe life, energy, back into those places. You inhale life. Of course you inhale life, but you breathe in life, you breathe out trouble.

Tonight I did yoga nidra for the first time. There is only one pose, and the intention is complete relaxation. Meditation. Potentially sleep. I breathed in life and sent it to the baby. I breathed in energy and sent it to my heart. I breathed in joy and sent it to every limb.

Sunflower Yoga Studio has been open for almost two weeks now, and I've been to three classes, all gentle, restorative, centered on relaxation and calming the nervous system. I love it, and I'm grateful for it, particularly that it has come now, when my body needs my gratitude and attention.

The bump is slowly growing. I'm now using the rubber band method to secure my dress pants because I can't button them. It's reassuring to feel the roundness, the proof of growth. I know this is only the beginning.

Now we're listening to Josh Rouse, stretching in bed among the seven pillows. Phillip is playing video games in the living room. Scooter sleeps in the hall. Snickers is somewhere in a room, settling in. Jack is elsewhere, likely dreaming of soccer and zombies. This is my family.

I never dreamt of what my created family would be when I grew up. The house we would live in yes, but not the number of kids or pets or who my husband would be or what I would be. I imagined an atmosphere of adulthood, one that was calm, thoughtful, considerate. It was more of an intention of how I wanted to live, but I had no idea how I'd get there and really no plan for it.

Internally, all along, I knew that Jedsen wasn't it, that I was not at peace and wouldn't be. But my plan didn't call for breaking up a long, committed relationship, regardless of the troubles. It took finding my own inner peace out there on the Blue Ridge to strengthen my will to make the whole atmosphere of my life balanced. I shed the negative and was one again. I achieved my intention of adulthood alone, and then I walked into it whole with Phillip, and here we are today. I didn't imagine it, but I knew it was home when I entered. I felt the stillness of right.

Clearly, this pregnancy makes me reflective of my path. Thirty makes me reflective. Yoga makes me reflective. All, gratitude. And perhaps that's my intention for the next phase of adulthood: an atmosphere of gratitude, empathy, breath, joy, love, energy, nature. Yes, I can live with that.