1. It could happen anytime now. I've known of three babies born in the last month: one a few days late, one three weeks early, one on the due date. Any one of those could be our case.
2. Balance. How do I balance trying to get everything done for work ahead of maternity leave while also allowing myself to cave to exhaustion and rest? How do I be responsible to everyone and myself? How do I both focus and release?
3. The doctor told me to get compression socks after seeing my swollen ankles and feet on Wednesday. I spent $20 for one pair, wore them two days and only noticed a slight difference. But that's all I got because Scooter ate the foot of one of them, the only thing I recall him destroying since we've been in Kansas. Is he anxious, too? Does he think his licks should be enough?
4. What's bothering me most right now is my tingly right hand, the carpal tunnel that makes it hard to grip and aches my joints.
5. Last night after reading stories with Jack, we had our usual "talk." It's the final wind-down, lights out, between stories and the closing of the door for the night. He gets to choose; it's his time to tell us whatever is on his mind (zombies, tornadoes, Bloodborne).
"What do you want to talk about?" I asked him.
"Daddy," he said. Phillip was at work. "I love him. He's my best friend. I love Daddy's games. And you're my best friend."
"Oh, buddy, you're our best friend, too. We love you, and we're always here for you."
"You have a baby in your tummy or you not have baby in your tummy?"
"I do, for three more weeks. And then you get to hold your baby brother or sister."
"Can I hear it?" It's been a while since he's wanted to listen to my belly, so when I lifted my shirt his eyes got big and he sat up straight. "Woah! I've never seen a belly that big. I've never seen that." He said this about a dozen times. "You should show Daddy."
"Oh, he's seen it."
6. I currently weight 167.6 pounds. I am still five feet tall.
7. I can't decide what to hang above the crib or in what order to hang it. It's the last detail in there, and I can't figure it out.
8. I completely stand behind our decision to not find out the baby's gender. But, damn, the gender neutral options are abysmal, particularly in any of our local stores. At least there are white onesies.
9. I'm anxious for the fact that my alone time, my freedom, my spontaneity is about to end. I still need it--stretches of time that are just mine--from Phillip (hello, seven years of living alone and introversion), and now all of that alone time will be with an infant. It's daunting. But maybe it's also the kind of alone time I'm ready for. We'll find out.
10. I went to Health-e-quip on Friday to turn in my prescription for a breast pump (yay, insurance!). The woman asked, "Is this the result of an injury or accident?" She laughed and said she has to ask that every time. "No, this was planned."
11. After spending yesterday morning listening to my Baby M playlist of 100 of my favorite songs, I'm now sure I want music in the delivery room. That music. My music.
12. Jack, for the last month, likes to point to older pictures of me around the house and say, "You not have a baby in your tummy." In the photo with all of our siblings from our wedding day, he goes down the line of (mostly) men and women: "Her not have a baby. Her not have a baby. Her not have a baby...." (We're working on the pronoun confusion.)
13. I haven't done enough yoga or other exercises. I hope I'm strong enough and remember how to breathe.
14. Thing most eaten this pregnancy? Cereal. Rice Krispies, Cracklin Oat Bran, Oatmeal Squares.
15. Phillip finally admitted this week that he's anxious about the birth. He's anxious that he'll be at work when I go into labor and he won't hear the phone. He's anxious that I won't get an epidural and I won't be calm during the birth and he won't know what to say or do with his hands. I told him it's highly unlikely that BAM I'll be in labor and need to go to the hospital, that I'll know I'm starting labor but we'll have some lead time before we have to go to the hospital. And the truth is, and what I've been trying to reassure him, that neither of us know how it will go and that we have to be willing to figure it out as we go, together. I know enough about myself that I'm not going to be yelling at him during birth, that I'll want him with me at all times. What I don't know is if I'll want to hold his hand or if I'll need him to give me positive affirmations in the midst of the pain. But, for me, just knowing he'll be there is comforting enough for me not to be worrying about it.
16. The baby's heartbeat has pretty consistently been 135 for the last few months.
17. My dreams lately, though I don't remember many of them, have been dealing with strange or unwanted guests.
18. Normally I bite my fingernails on Monday mornings at work, unconsciously. But it's Sunday night and they're gone by #18 of this blog post. Back to that balance point, maybe?
19. We have everything we need if the baby should come tomorrow, and the few things we don't are being delivered this week. Like diapers (biodegradable), a nursing bra, a Miracle Blanket, and more Ikea Skubb drawer organizers.
20. It's been three months since Snickers died. I can't help but think she would have been snuggling on my belly to feel and share the warmth. She would have broken in the rocker. She would have curled up with us on the couch.
21. When I was 21, I was with a man who never wanted to get married and who never wanted children. I was young and naive enough to think I would change his mind. I'm so glad I didn't. I'm so grateful that more than three years ago I reconnected with a man I became good friends with at 18, that he inspired me to move back home, that we got married, that I've shared the experience of part-time raising his son since he was 2 1/2, that we agreed we would start a family in 2015, and that, in a few weeks, we will do just that. Phillip is my greatest blessing, my best friend, and I can't wait to meet this little one who is half him and half me and, all together, grow in love and life.
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