Ripped

This morning while taking Scooter out and passing by one of our empty, mulch-covered beds against the house, I had an immense urge to rip out the weeds with my bare hands. They're mostly along the edge of the drive, growing up between the cement and the cylindrical wood beams meant to define the space. And there are all kinds, all grouped and looped and green.

The largest weed I don't like to think of a weed at all; in fact, I wish it would grow all alongside the house with its purple, geometric flowers and three-foot height. It alone colors the bed, the house, in one outgrowth near the side steps. If I pulled it, there would be nothing. If I pulled it, I would be exterminating a living thing with no name. If I pulled it, I would be killing it for the sake of taking control of nature. Who's to say a weed is an enemy? Who's to say a flower isn't a flower? I have nothing to grow in its place.

Out back, one bell pepper and one patio tomato plant grow in containers against the house. They're blooming with small fruits, the first I've ever grown. Though small, they're carrying a lot of weight, bearing forth on the rise up.

Meanwhile, I've grown this summer myself, taking on some weight in the adjustment to working from home. I've sat, I've eaten, I've watched a lot of Netflix. I didn't even see if happening, even when my shorts from last summer wouldn't fit, until I found my scale and got on it for the first time in four months. It's not about the weight, but it's knowing where I used to be, how my body used to feel, and lamenting the work it will take to get back there--so much more work than it took to get here.

But it's August. And August is traditionally a month of new beginnings because, despite trying to free myself, I'm still tied to the academic schedule. It's a new year, another opportunity to start over, to remake yourself, to be who you want to be.

So today I started the Ripped in 30 program and, though I finished my first workout more than two hours ago, my muscles are still twitching and shaky. Yeah, I'm starting from the beginning. And this time I'm going to make it to the end because, despite having qualms about ripping out weeds where otherwise there is no green, this fat doesn't belong in my body. I am not at war with my body; I desire peace, the cultivation of health. Because I deserve it.

The other new beginning is the incredible new job I start on Monday, building on all I learned in Spartanburg and allowing me to work deeply with Hutchinson. More about that later, but, for now, it's on to writing about bears.