My problem has been that I want too much and can't decide what I want more when I realize that I can't have it all. I want a house. A house that my couch can fit into. A dog. New bookcases. New dresser. A yard. A kayak. A big savings account.
A few months ago I decided that renting a house and adopting a dog would be my plan for the summer. $550 was my rent-cap, and that's $100 more than I'm paying now for my adorable third-floor downtown apartment. I thought, I'll find a house with all appliances (even w/d) and a yard for under $550 in either Hampton Heights or Converse Heights and then I'll adopt a dog and then life will be perfect. Only recently did I realize that I would not want to live in any of the houses that I could rent for under $550.
So I've been trying to think of what I want more and for what motivations. I want a house because I could use my awesome couch again and garden and have a "stand alone" and get a dog and feel complete, like an adult. But, just now, I'm starting to feel like a social human being, something I should have experienced in college. Just now, I'm making friends that I feel comfortable around and will do things with on a whim because I live so close and because it feels good. Living in a house that wasn't in the middle of Hampton Heights next to everyone I know (because I can't afford that) would likely make me revert being alone all of the time, as it would make me put more effort into going out. As is, I can walk over to HUB-BUB or the Bookshop whenever I want. Plus, if I moved into a house I wouldn't be able to get a dog because I wouldn't be able to afford a dog and a house. So, if I can't have the dog with the house, is there still the motivation to move to a house. Not as much, I guess. I mean, sure, that's what I want, but do I need it? No.
So here I am always wanting wanting wanting when I have a pretty awesome apartment and a sweet, adorable cat and the freedom to leave for a weekend or a week and not worry too much. I should enjoy what I have and make the most of what I have, which is a lot. A lot of really good stuff. So I can allow myself now to spend a little on new bookcases and maybe a dresser because that's what I need here, and if I'm not spending a ton of money on moving, I can afford it. I can also think more seriously about fostering dogs and, still, adopting, though I have to make sure everything is ready and I am committed to a change in lifestyle.
You really didn't need to know all of this, but I've needed to write it out, and it only hit me today when I read that quote on a friend's Facebook page and then talked to Jedsen about my wants and practicalities that what I really want is to not want. I'm restless--not in my job--but in my living environment and situation, which I've always been. I want to constantly update and change the conditions under which I live, and I can still do that from here--only in smaller ways than moving.
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