Tuesday, August 18, 2015

Collecting heartaches

I'm not down, but I'm collecting heartaches. Perhaps I'm over sensitive right now or perhaps the aches are more real, frequent these days.

Bears, wild bears, euthanized for being bears caught in the midst of peak tourist season. I was in Yellowstone a month ago, and I get it. I was a human in a car and felt trapped by the number of other humans in cars and couldn't wait to get out even though I would have loved to linger and actually experience the beauty. But when there are so many humans, and then there's a human near you and your cubs, and then you protect yourself and your cubs because you're stressed and closed in anyway, how can we blame you for killing the human? How can we kill you for that? Oh, because we can. Because we get so indignant when a bear or a shark or a sand tunnel kill us, as if we should be invincible, as if we're not invading their territory or testing the limits of gravity. We have the responsibility to understand our place in the world--not as the center but as a player--yet we choose again and again to blame the other. Oh, mother bear. Oh, Cecil the Lion. Oh, great white. We are we, not versus.

In Hutchinson right now, it's homebuilders versus progress, versus the future. The great debate of 2015 is sidewalks, and it's largely a debate over $1200 per home. Sidewalks, such a seemingly simple thing, must be advocated for to get us at least on par with what other communities have been doing for dozens of years. Sidewalks or no sidewalks is a hundred year decision. We decide the future now.

And then there are shootings and people who say "that's just Hutch" and little people being moved without warning and women who only get a week of maternity leave and the fact that my Grandma Lentz will never meet the baby and the exhaustion of Facebook and the unknowns of childbirth.

Otherwise, joys:





Monday, August 10, 2015

Mobility and immobility

Week 29: Baby somersaults. Body contortions to make room for movement, to contain the limbs that seemed to want to break through.

Week 30: Quiet. Little nudges and rolls here and there. A sleepy week.

Week 31: Rolly polly baby. Wiggly baby. Keep it up, baby.

Me, well. My stomach is in my chest, so I'm not hungry and the heartburn comes as it pleases. My lungs are squished, too, so I'm short of breath. My weight has shifted, so I can't bend over or reach up repeatedly without straining my back. My hips are loose and I'm heavier, so hip pain wakes me up at night after hours of lying on my sides.

I miss my mobility. I miss being able to do. But I have two more months of growing, of lending my body to love.