I try and trace it to an origin, and maybe it's this grant I'm trying to get right or maybe it's my weight that's gone too far or maybe it's too many hours of screen time. Maybe it's all of the above. The irony is that my anxiety is such that I have anxiety about starting things that would help calm my anxiety. Getting started. That's always been a cause of anxiety. Changing my habits.
Because my habits extend to procrastination about something I don't understand. Decision fatigue. Overwhelm. Lack of control.
Was it easier in college because I still felt young? Was I more likely to exercise because I was still in shape? Was getting a grade easier than meeting expectations for a grant?
One thing's for sure: it's not necessarily the classes in school that prepare you for a career but the discipline and deadlines and structure of it, the practice.
I believe this will pass, and maybe it's all compounded because Phillip is on second shift this week and it's he who calms me and it's he who's gone. Our one year anniversary is Saturday. I guess they say the first year of marriage is hard, but I wouldn't say that about us. I would say that we do the marriage stuff really naturally, really well (except doing the dishes, but neither of us did that on our own either). There's just a lot of missing involved. And that's what has made this first year a blur. Australia was our mid-point, our escape together. I think the hard part is finding that next opening to dive deep into each other and life, get out of the cycle and come up for air. I really need some air.
