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I'm moon-gazing. There it is, shaded white, with romantic whisps of slow-moving clouds drifting from south to north. No one is in a hurry. No one but me. And to the right, there's my friend the BB&T building, lit. I pan for you. I pan my huge windows across east Spartanburg for you because this is what I know, this is what I see, this is what I feel.

The moon's outline is crisp. It is defined. Its edges do not blur, do not halo, do not speak of rain, even though it may rain tomorrow night. It is only bright. It is all that it is. It is more than a surface.

It is strange to think that tomorrow is Thanksgiving. There has been no homecoming for me this year. It has been a lead-up to a pause, tomorrow, between madness. I have been stressed, with life piling up for me to finish. I will not hug my grandparents tomorrow, and I don't like that. I will not tug at my mother to finish her cooking faster so we can get in the car and head to one of said grandparents' homes. I will not eat serving after serving of stuffing and sample three pies. I will not be cold tomorrow in Kansas.

But, instead, I will be in the East, in sixty degree weather, with my friends and this new city that, I must say, is just adorable all lit up for the holidays. You should visit. I'm grateful that I have a place here and I'm grateful for my place here. Snickers will get extra wet food tomorrow, and I'll let her scratch her claws into the hallway carpet a little longer tomorrow. And I'm going to walk/jog a Turkey Day 8k in the morning to benefit the food bank. I wish I could walk dogs, too, but the humane society is closed to volunteers.

Though I'm lonely, without Jedsen, without brother, without parents, without grandparents, I'm so lucky to be where I am. And I'm not really without. Just separated by a thousand miles.

Distance

I say "good morning" to the mountains. I tell them "hello." I say, "There you are." I breathe a sigh and smile.

How tired I am

After falling asleep on the couch while reading and watching Halloween specials on NBC, I made the conscious decision not to call Jedsen and say good night as I heavily moved from the couch to bed, electing begrudgingly to change into clothes that would be comfortable to sleep in. I didn't feel like I had the energy to speak. 

And so I fell asleep at 10pm on the night before Halloween. And this is what followed, transcribed by Jedsen in the moment because he knew what was happening, though I have absolutely no recollection of ever talking to Jedsen at all that night. None.

 

Saturday, October 30. After midnight.

 

Transcript

 

Jedsen: Hi, dream.

 

Kari: (inaudible)

 

Jedsen: Oh no, I didn't mean to wake you.  I just wanted to say goodnight.

 

Kari: (pause) Do you need something?

 

Jedsen: No, I was just saying goodnight.  You never called.

 

Kari: Oh.  I didn't know if you needed me to read something somewhere.

 

Jedsen: Say again?

 

Kari: I didn't know if you wanted me to read something somewhere.

 

Jedsen: (laughs) I think you’re asleep, dream.

 

Kari: (long groan)

 

Jedsen: (laughing) Well, I love you.  You get some sleep.

 

Kari: M’gay. 

 

Jedsen: And I do love you.

 

Kari: I love you.

 

Jedsen: Goodnight.

 

Kari: (groans)

 

Jedsen: (laughing) Mmm, bye-bye.

 

Kari: Bye.